Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
