i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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