just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Let's get the cat blown out
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
