I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
