My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
