I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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