Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
