She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
