I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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