I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
