Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My life is pants optional.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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