i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
