someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
