i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
