STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
