She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
