final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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