I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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