what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
