You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So many bounce houses so little time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
