Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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