he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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