ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
