Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize