When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
