just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
