Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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