i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
