the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize