my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
