just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
