we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
