On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
