everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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