i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
