i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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