Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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