Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
