Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
