Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
