It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize