He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
