once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I smell like Dick and happiness
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