just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
