new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
