My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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