my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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