Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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