this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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