They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
