apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
