if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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