What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
