By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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