We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
