Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
