i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to sanitize my soul.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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