He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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