Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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