Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize