I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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