yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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