When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
