Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
they call him Oral-B. enough said
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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