Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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