are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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