I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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