the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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