fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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